Not only do I go on Fail Dates, I'm also not married.

Wow! Its been almost a month since my last blog. What have I been doing?!?! Certainly not going on any successful dates. Fail Date DC is back! Aside from being extremely busy at my day job, one of the reasons I haven't updated this blog is because I went out on a date with a guy that I thought had some promise - at least the promise of another two dates or so. But, alas, I have simply given up on him.

I met him in a pretty unconventional way. I was out with friends on a Saturday afternoon, getting a head start on some summertime day drinking. What better way to spend a beautiful afternoon than inside a sports bar? As I sat down at the table, our waiter approached. He was hard not to notice, tall and handsome, huge smile, true perfection. "Oh my, " I said to my friend. "Now, that's a tall drink of water." Who says that? But it was true. I was in lust.

By the time the bill came, all of my other friends were aware that I thought our waiter, Sam, was cute. "Ha, I should totally leave my number on the receipt!" The second it came out of my mouth, I regretted it, because of course everyone thought that was a fantastic idea. I couldn't possibly do that!!! But then our waiter came back to the table, my friends and I started talking to him...I tried to lay on as much charm as I could muster, and then he gave me the sexiest smile ever. "Okay! I'm doing it!" I proclaimed as our waiter walked away again. I then proceeded to write a silly (almost creepy) note on the receipt about how I wanted to find out more about him and I left my cell number. The best part was when I noticed Sam was coming back, I threw the check on the table, and pushed my friends out of the way, stepped on someone's foot, almost tripped over a chair and ran out of the restaurant. I know how to leave a great impression.

The next morning, I received a text. It was from Sam! I couldn't believe it! Leaving your cell phone number on a receipt for a hot waiter to call you actually works! I had proven it! After about 20 texts back and forth later, he proposed we go to the movies that night. The first sign of the Fail should have been the incessant texting. After the movie we decided to get something to eat. We made small talk, and the subject of age was brought up. We discovered there was about a 5 year age difference between us. I'm 29 and, he, considerably younger. The age discussion was immediately followed by:

Sam: Doesn't it bother you that you aren't married?

Me: (30 seconds of silent shock, nervous laughter, and a quizzical look) No, of course not! What?! Me?! .... Um, does it bother you that you aren't married? (Trying to take the attention off of my singledom.)

Sam: No, I can probably get married anytime I want. I'm just waiting to get settled in my career.

Hmmm. Now I'm obviously writing this blog because I don't have a boyfriend or even an immediate glimmer or promise of a long term relationship. This frustrates me. BUT, I haven't yet started to panic about the possibility of never marrying (which is something I'm personally interested in accomplishing). Still, Sam's question was awkward and weird! Also, as I stared back at his dreamy face, I came to the conclusion that he probably COULD get married at anytime. That subject warrants another blog post entirely.

His weird, pushy questions continued throughout dinner, and at the time I was completely willing to overlook them, due purely to his hotness. We said a very "G Rated" goodbye, and went our separate ways. I left with the promise of a second date, which I was looking forward to, not so much for the oh so riveting conversation, but I really just wanted to kiss him.

So, due to my hectic work schedule and his inability and interest to make real plans (he usually texts me wanting to get together that night, and I'm a avid planner, so that just wasn't going to fly), I've given up on my dreams of a second date kiss with Sam. Plus, yesterday, after our 100th text, it finally occured to me that I wanted no part of his texting and weird "why aren't you married?" questions.

The End!

Ladies Night ... literally.

So last Friday was ladies night. And I believe my exact quote from my posting on Friday was "Maybe if I go out with only ladies, I will attract men. Seems obvious right? Its a theory I'm willing to test. " Well... exactly the opposite happened.

My girlfriends and I got all dressed up and cute for a night on the town. Now, I didn't really try to talk to any guys so that might be first reason I didn't attract men that night (and may also be a good indication of why I'm single). But at one point during the night, I was sitting at the bar by myself and enjoying some people watching, while my friends were all on the dance floor.

I had been sitting by myself for a couple of minutes when two young women appeared beside me. They immediately introduced themselves and asked me what my name was. Then one of them said "Tonight's my roommate's last night in DC." "Oh really?" I said. I asked what city she was moving to, all the while wondering what these girls wanted with me. Then, both of them looked at me intently and one of the girls moved closer and said "But anyway, tonight's my roommate's last night in DC." Okay, I thought, I get it, she's moving away. Then she quickly added "And your friend is really cute, too." I turned to look at who she was pointing at, and there was my friend, Jen, dancing and laughing on the dance floor.

Apparently now very confused and clueless, I pointed to Jen and responded, "Oh yes, you mean Jen? Yes, she is very pretty!"  Jen saw all three of us pointing and looking at her and she smiled back at us.  I turned back to the two girls and we just stared at each other in awkward silence.  "Okay, well, talk to you later."  One of them said as they bounced back over to the larger group that they were with.

At that point, one of my other friends came over to me and I mentioned that two girls may have wanted to go home with me and Jen that night, and how that was a first for me!  The thought came and went out of my mind, until the next morning.  I thought, 1.  I'm definitely going to use the line "Tonight is my last night in DC." next time I approach strangers at bars., and  2.  Wow, "ladies night" really just meant ladies night that night.   I had to smile. 

This weekend I have a bachelorette party to attend, the ultimate ladies night, who knows who I'll attract that night!

Friday Fun Fact: Ladies Night. What a great idea!

Tonight is ladies night. Friday night! Ladies night! Recently one of my smart friends thought it would be fun for "just the girls" to get all dressed up, have a few drinks, and go dancing. No boyfriends, or friends that are boys, allowed. I'm very excited to say the least! Ladies night is something I haven't' done in a really long time. Maybe if I go out with only ladies, I will attract men. Seems obvious right? Its a theory I'm willing to test.

And I would be remiss if I didn't mention...yesterday evening I realized that this blog was mentioned in that day's edition of the Express daily newspaper. Silly me was too busy all day trying to find a date in this town and I was too late in picking up my very own copy. Thankfully the Express printed nothing about my failed dates, but about something else I observed in Wednesday's blog musings. Phew!...I guess. Anyway, my quote was nestled in the Blog Log next to one of the Wonkette's recent observations and right below a picture of Jerry Seinfeld. How do you like them apples?


Happy Friday!

Nice to meet you. What do you do?

What do you do? I feel like that's the first question anyone asks here in DC? "Hi, I'm blondie. What do you do?" I think DC is probably the only place in the world where people start out conversations with that question. I think Washington DC is a town where people often define themselves and their social circle by their jobs; I'm an intern., I work on the Hill., I'm a lawyer., I'm a bike messenger., I'm a waitress. I think that secretly us DCites are just anxiously waiting to tell the other person what WE do for a living and why we are so important. Who knows, maybe I'm the only one who thinks this. But a couple of years ago, I stopped asking "What do you do?" and started asking other questions that I thought would tell me a little bit about the person, but wouldn't instantly put them in their assigned DC job/social circle category. I think the tactic usually works pretty well and is rather friendly, but once it back fired on me big time...

Flashback: I had just started my new job. I had also just ended yet another relationship (Fail), and was licking my wounds with some heavy drinking, while simultaneously trying to make new friends at work. When the Friday Work Happy Hour email popped into my inbox, I was all over it. I would report to the nearest bar at promptly 5:00 pm on Friday and act fabulous in front of my new coworkers.

One drink turned in to one too many drinks. I just want to say that having one too many drinks in front of coworkers is never a good idea. But I'm sure everyone reading this already knows that. Anyway, one of the reasons for the happy hour was to celebrate the fact that one of the organization's old employees, Dan, was back in town. Dan had left the organization to pursue a degree, and I thought he was just back in town to visit and catch up with some old friends. Well...when Dan walked into the bar, it was like the world had stopped in my tipsy little head. He was gorgeous. Dark and handsome, just amazing looking. I yelled to my coworker next to me, "OH MY GOD, WHO IS THAT?". My coworker turned to me and in a more appropriate whisper said, "That's Dan. He's cute, right?" Then I proceeded to blab, pretty loudly, about all the ways I thought that he was cute, and marriage material, and a hidden gem, and gift from god, oh, let me count they ways!!! Bottom line is that I made a fool out of myself, everyone at the bar knew I thought Dan has hot by the end of the night, and I had fallen all over myself talking to him.

Unbeknownst to me, Dan had come back to DC to continue working at my organization after completing his studies. Not one of my new coworker friends had decided to tell me that, because they all knew this as fact, and I guess just thought that I knew and was acting rather inappropriately.

The following Monday morning I was sitting at my lowly cubicle, and I hear, "Hey blondie." Turning around, I saw him. Dan. Dan in suit, dressed for work at the office. I squeaked out a quiet "hi" and must have looked so confused as he walked away. That's when I found out that Dan had come back to work for the organization and I would see him Monday through Friday for the rest of my life.

I was so embarrassed. I had made the fatal error of not asking him "What do you do?". Which was just plain dumb, because I didn't even think to ask him about his career plans at all during the Friday Work Happy Hour mess. I was just concentrating on his face. I have since overcome my embarrassment and Dan and I are good work acquaintances. But although it might not be my opening line, I always ask "What do you do?" before professing love to complete strangers.

Hot Nights and City Lights: My favorite fair weather DC dates

Memorial Day weekend has come and gone and suddenly I've been sucked into the humid haze of a Washington DC summer.  Although in about a month it will probably be in the high 90s with 100% humidity, I still love summer in this city.  Sure there are tourists and interns clogging up the metro and sidewalks, but they are all here to visit us!  Well, maybe not us, but our beautiful, muggy city, built on a swamp, rich with history, and ripe with politicians and wannabes.  But I digress...I really love summer in the city. 

So...on the off chance I DO go out on a date this summer, I've decided to compile my favorite summer dates/outings, so that when the time comes, I'll be armed with fun suggestions.  Here are my top 5, with commentary, in no particular order.

1.  Airplane Watching at Gravelly Point (Arlington, VA):  Now anyone who knows me knows that I have an irrational fear of flying, but something about watching planes successfully land and take off is very exhilarating to me.  Gravelly Point Park is located along the Potomac River just off the George Washington Parkway.  Its also the closest you can get to a runway without actually working at the airport or being on the plane.  If the wind is blowing from the south you will be just a mere 300 feet below the jets that are taking off from Reagan National Airport.  In three words, it. is. awesome.  In my opinion, its also a great first date.  Its not your typical "going to the movies" first date where there's not really a chance to chat with your date.  Rather, at Gravelly Point, you'll have time to chat, while also have the distraction of airplanes taking off over your head every 5 minutes or so.  Fail Date Potential:  A lot of people, especially families, frequent this park.  If you're looking to be alone with your date, this is not the place.

2.  A Visit to Great Falls Park (Great Falls Virginia): Also located off the George Washington Parkway, this park boast spectacular views of the Great Falls waterfalls.  There are also places to picnic, and hiking trails for all skill levels.  Fail Date Potential:  Weekends in the summer means a big long line of cars waiting to get into the park.  Keep your patience level elevated and the car's air conditioning on max and you should be okay.  

3.  Miniature Golf (Top Golf, Alexandria, Virginia): I like to go on dates that involve a little friendly competition, like bowling or a game of pool.  Well during the summer you can bring your competitive side outside, with a friendly game of miniature golf.  I prefer going to Top Golf in Alexandria, VA.  Now for the transportationally challenged, getting there may be tough.  But there's always Zipcar, and there's the chance your date might be a baller and have his very own car (swoooon!).  Anyway its totally worth it when you get there!  Nice, clean facility, with romantical evening and nighttime hours, and a bar in the club house where the loser can buy a round. Fail Date Potential:  I really can't think of one.  Unless maybe if your date is an ass or a sore loser, or if you really just don't like mini golf.

4.  Paddle Boating (Tidal Basin, Washington, D.C.): Make like a tourist and rent a paddle boat for an hour!  Its only $8 for the hour and when you get back on dry land you'll have worked up an appetite and you'll be ready for a cocktail.  Fail Date Potential:  You'll have to wear a life vest which isn't very trendy, but not all that bad because it may end up saving your life.  You also may capsize, but I haven't heard of that happening a lot.  I think this is a safe bet.  

5.  Nationals Baseball Game (Nationals Park, Washington, D.C.):  Wow, the Nationals suck this year, but I sure do love going to baseball games.  The baseball stadium is really the only place that I can think of where I'll buy a plastic bottle of Coors Lite for $7.50.  But I still think baseball games are really fun dates.    On a side note, I'm actually going to the Washington Nationals Ladies Night Happy Hour at the stadium tomorrow.  Its a happy hour for laaaaadddiieees, prior to the game, with food and drink, complimentary massages and manicures, other girly things, and player appearances.  I'm not going to lie, when I heard about the player appearances, I thought, this is my chance to land me a baseball player! What a blog posting that would be!  Fail Date Potential: Hmmmm, is there one?  I guess the only reason both you and your date would end up at a baseball game is if you enjoyed watching baseball and drinking $7.50 Coors Lites.  So it might just be a match made in heaven.  

Drinking and Dating

Sometimes drinking and dating go hand in hand.   Why not have a glass of wine on a first date to ease the butterflies in your stomach?  Heck, why not order a round of tequila shots like my friend Philip.  Wait, on second thought don't do that.  While drinking heavily with your future soul mate or one night stand is never really a good thing, it happens very frequently.  During the ugly cycle of drinking and dating its inevitable that crude things are said, or someone either vomits, falls down, or gets really really angry.

Lately I haven't had a lot to write about regarding my failed dating life, but as I woke up this morning to quite a headache, and some hazy memories of last night,  I remembered how the night ended.  I debated with myself as to whether what happened was actually a dream or not, but no, what had happened was not a dream, rather one of the most futile pick up attempts I've ever experienced.

Jim and I often find ourselves hanging out together.  We have the same circle of friends and he's always a nice, familiar face.  So it was not surprising that Jim and I were at the same party last night.  Jim's always been rather quiet around me, but last night we had some pleasant conversation and laughs.  Then I guess Jim started drinking heavily, can't say exactly what he was drinking, but there were a couple games of flip cup thrown in there.  So eventually Jim became highly intoxicated.  I decided to call it a night and find a cab, when someone nominated Jim to walk me out to make sure I didn't get mugged, stolen, or run over while I was trying to chase down a cab.  How nice!  

We were barely out the door when Jim says to me very quietly, "You and me.  We should have intercourse."  Hmmm...  I thought to myself I must be hearing things.  We walked in the longest silence ever in history while I replayed over and over what I thought he said.  "Did you just say that we should have intercourse?" I questioned in disbelief.  "Yes.  Yes I did," he said matter-of-factly.

Now at this moment I didn't know what to do.  I felt pretty cheap, disgusted, angry, and exhausted.  "Jim, you're a creep, who do you think I am, please go back inside."  He had sat down on the curb and refused to budge.  "I'm serious Jim, that's disgusting,"  I yelled as  I frantically waved down cabs.  I'm sure I almost got hit by a couple of cars, so he wasn't chaperoning me very well...at all.   "Listen, can we at least talk about this?" he asked.  

I finally hopped into a cab and didn't look back.  I'm sure he was still on the curb, pondering why the heck he had chosen to say those things to me, especially the use of  the word "intercourse".  What is he, Amish?

So, with that, Fail Date DC is back!  And although it certainly wasn't a date, it was definitely a fail.  

It's only textual...

"It's only textual..." is the second part in Fail Date DC's technology series entitled "Technology is the Future, Except When it's Not".

On Friday after work, I started my weekend off in my favorite nail salon, still recovering from a pretty late Thursday night, and enjoying the fact that I didn't have to go into the office for two whole days. As I was flipping through the obligatory nail salon copy of Cosmopolitan magazine, an article about "reading men's communication signals" caught my eye. On any given newstand, on any given month, you can probably find the same article about how to read your man's communication signals or ... how to figure out what he's saying when he's not saying anything... etc., etc. This article, however, specifically discussed how to interpret your crush's "electronic communication" signals. We all know that if a man doesn't return your calls, or doesn't call when he says he will, then thats probably a pretty good sign that he's not very nice, or just doesn't like you. But NOW, when single people meet someone new they potential have to deal with not just calling someone and leaving a phone message, but figuring out "signals" via text, Facebook, myspace, twitter, Skype, Google chat, AIM and the list goes on! Well, maybe the list doesn't go on, but that's still a lot of social networking opportunities!

Anyway, the people at Cosmo warned me to not strike up a relationship with a man who uses Facebook as his main communication tool. They say that if he's Facebooking you, then he's probably Facebooking who knows how many other women! *Gasp!* On the other hand, Cosmo applauds men who text you between the hours of 12:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m. Their logic is that these men haven't texted you in the early morning because hopefully they have jobs to go to, but they aren't texting at 11:30 p.m. either, when chances are they are very drunk (Cosmos words, not mine). These men are texting in the daylight hours in the hopes of catching you early enough in the day to make plans for dinner or drinks. Wow, all my dating problems are solved. Thanks Cosmo June 2009 issue, where have you been all my life?! But of course, I jest.

I have recently fallen victim to a "relationship" built solely on Facebook, Google chat, and texting. And, yes, I was still surprised when the texts and Facebook messages stopped as suddenly as they had started. I had just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship, and was drowning my sorrows in college football watching and cheap beer, and was very pleased when a particularly fun guy at the sports bar, who happened to be a friend of a friend, asked for my phone number.

The next day this guy initiated the text messaging dance that would last for about two months. That day we must have texted each other about 15 times! In my post breakup haze I was so eager to get attention from any man, regardless if it was communication in the form of 87 texts. By the end of that first day I was his Facebook friend AND he had tagged me in multiple pictures from the night before. As you can imagine, I was so excited to embark on my new relationship! But because I hadn't read Cosmos' warnings about Facebook and texting at this point in my life, I was in for a rude awakening.

I thought that the amount of time this guy spent texting, facebooking, and google chatting meant something. All these years of dating in DC has made me a little jaded, but I still thought the attention was nice and special. During the two months of electronic communication we hung out in person a total of two times. I was asked out on both of those outings over text or facebook. Now, you might say the reason we didn't hang out anymore than that, is that we just didn't click or he just didn't like me. I would totally accept that theory if not for the excessive amount of texting that followed our second outing. And then one day the texting and facebooking and gchatting ceased abruptly. And I was only left to wonder what had just happened.

So thats how I was essentially courted via text message, asked out multiple times on Facebook and gchat, and then electronically snubbed, all in a matter of 2 or 3 months. The times we spent face to face were terrific and fun and I held on to those memories through the flurry of text messages I would receive from him. I look back on it now, and can't believe how dumb I was to not follow common sense. Which to me is, if a guy isn't calling me, or wants to hang out with me in person, then I shouldn't waste my time. But during my post breakup anxiety, and the plethora of communication tools at my disposal, I took the "easy" way out and basically ended up dating the keypad on my cell phone.

In closing, thanks Cosmo, for your words of utter wisdom, but to avoid any future confusion, I'll probably stick to the good old fashioned phone call.

Friday Fun Fact: H.O.N. What gives?

H.O.N. Hair On Neck. Also known in my world as "Brambles". Urban Dictionary defines brambles as "the unsightly hair on the back of one's neck". The only reason its defined in Urban Dictionary is because I made my friend post the definition one night at like 3:00 am. I really do not like HON on guys.

I appreciate a smooth, HON-free neck on a man. I'm not saying that every guy has to have a military style tight haircut, but its just nice when a man makes an effort to get a regular haircut or at least clean up the neckline. A HON-free neck is pleasant to look at and nice to touch and you'd think it would be simple enough to achieve. First of all a guys haircut takes like 10 minutes and a cheap cut is probably around $15. Believe me, every time I visit the salon for a hair cut, there's on average 3 guys in and out of the stylists chair next to me. So I know that this process is not time consuming.

I first realized I had an issue with HON as a I sat behind Mike M. in my senior year pre-calculus class. Mike M. had a "normal", short hair cut on his head, but what looked like a hair rug from the top of his neck down into his t-shirt. I looked at this HON for the entire school year. Of course its really weird that I remember this and have let if affect me to the point that I'm blogging about it, but all I wanted to do was shake him and demand he get a hair cut.

As women, we may spend countless dollars and valuable time (not to mention, endure agonizing pain) removing hair from parts of our bodies that 99.99999% of the population will never even see! Meanwhile you have men flaunting their unsightly HON all over the place.

There is probably no correlation between HON and failed dates, but I just wanted to get the facts out there. I am only one woman, and I know I will never win this battle against HON, but one can dream. Happy Friday!

Oh Snap..It's the weekend recap.

I had a very nice weekend and I learned several, very important lessons.  To begin, I was supposed to hang out with Philip again on Friday, or at least I thought so.   After our very fun, normal, non date last weekend, I had decided I would try to keep Philip around.  He is a fun guy, who shares some similar interest as me, and he just seems like a perfect, no strings attached, summer companion.  So having this in mind, I called Philip one day last week after work, to ask if he would like to go with me to see a bluegrass band play at my neighborhood bar.  Bluegrass and happy hour are two of the interests that Philip and I seem to share.  He unfortunately couldn't make it out that night but we made plans (via text message) to hang out on Friday. Which brings me to Friday night. 

I doubted our "plans" all day on Friday, we hadn't been in touch, and we really hadn't made any concrete plans.  But as I went through the texts in my cell phone, I saw it, in black and white, our virtual conversation about "hanging out on Friday night".  I finally broke down and contacted him and he was "stuck watching basketball with his friend in Maryland".  So, we all know what that means...Philip and I ain't hangin out.  

First Lesson Learned:  Don't believe you actually have plans with Philip until you are physically in his presence.  And NEVER make "plans" with Philip over text message.   You can probably replace the name "Philip" with a handful of other men's names.  Lets just say I've had this happen to me before.

On Saturday I visited DC's neighbor to the north - BALTIMORE.  I really like Baltimore.  I visit there are lot to hang out with my very good friend and I always have a blast.  I've even tried to date a guy who lived in Baltimore.  He was very nice too, but a little quiet...and, well, as you can tell, it didn't work out.  But that's not Baltimore's fault.   Anyway Philip ended up calling me to see what I was up to that night.  Of course I'm in Baltimore, so put a big ole fail stamp on that.  We are like two ships passing in the night...actually, we are like the two inebriated pirate ship captains on the ships, passing in the night.  That's a better analogy.  

I spent that night in Baltimore with my friends, had a great time, good food, good cheer, good drinks.  Eventually I found myself chatting up a friend of my friends, who happened to be a guy.  After downing my second celebratory shot, I decided it would be great idea to tell this guy that I had started my very own dating blog.  An unsettled, panicky look came over him and he said "oh...so what do you write about?"  I blurted out "This!", pointing my finger back and forth from him to me.  I immediately thought better of what I just said, and quickly tried to make myself clear. "No, I mean I write about all the dates I go on, not just all of the conversations I have with guys, like this one ...you know... right?  Hee hee (nervous laughter)."  The conversation quickly fell apart after that, and that's when I realized I had learned my second lesson of the weekend.

Second Lesson Learned:  I must remember to not go around telling men I occasionally write blog entries about my awful dating life.  This applies to both men I want to date, and men I don't want to date.  I fear I may appear desperate, slutty-ish, lonely, or just weird.  Which I assure you I have NEVER felt any of those feelings, ever.  :-)

Sunday morning rolled around and it was time to head back to home sweet home, Washington DC.  I had conveniently rented a Zipcar to get me there and back.  I highly recommended this car sharing service.  Go green!  Anyway, early Sunday morning I learned the third lesson of the weekend, and thankfully it has nothing to do with dating or this blog.  The following lesson will mean nothing to non Zipcar users, but I assure you its important.

Third Lesson Learned:  When using the Zipcar always enter and exit the vehicle using your Zipcar passcard.  Don't try to be all cool and unlock the car using the actual key.  I found out the hard way that the car will not turn on if you continue to enter the car by using only the key.  I happened to keep using the key on this particular trip, and had to call Zipcar and have them help me "reboot" the car's reservation system so that I could actually turn on the car and drive off on my merry way.  Am I the only one who didn't know this?

So that's my "Oh Snap...It's the weekend recap".  Happy Monday!

Friday Fun Fact: Sometimes I feel like the female version of Ron Burgundy

"You know, we've been coming to this same party for the last 12 years -- and in no way is that depressing." - Ron Burgundy, legendary anchorman.

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May 2009 marks the 8th anniversary of my living, dating and loving in Washington, DC. That means 12 years ago I left a small rural town and wandered off to the incredible party that was college. That's a lot of years of navigating this dating scene. I've had a lot of practice and I just know I'm going to get it right one of these days!

Enjoy the party ladies (and gentlemen)! And Happy Friday!!!

Match this! ... Online Dating

"Match this!...Online Dating" is the first part in Fail Date DC's technology series entitled "Technology is the Future, Except When it's Not".

Oh yes! Online dating. You knew it would come to this! Online dating is amazing. Just think about it, you can potentially meet the man of your dreams using the Internet! You don't even have to get all dressed up and look cute and go out, you can sit in your pajamas and write witty emails to guys that have great profile pictures. And the actual online profiles are all the same. All of these eligible men enjoy reading non fiction, are learning to make sushi, love Ethiopian food, spend the weekends hiking or biking, enjoy staying in on Friday nights with a rented movie, and are all looking for that adventurous, athletic woman with whom they can travel the world. How great!!! But lets face it. You know that they are at home right now, sitting in the dark, on the couch, with their laptops, in their boxers, unshaven, hungover, eating McDonald's, and watching the Game Show network.

Seriously though, I love the concept of online dating. I have even met and dated an amazing, beautiful, normal person using Match.com. But before I met him, I had to go on some interesting dates:

1. There was the guy that liked to shoot guns and was a member of the NRA. I was half scared for obvious reasons and half intrigued, because I've always wanted to shoot a gun and I thought that maybe on our second date he would take me to the gun range. The only other thing I remember about that date was how rude the waitress was. FAIL.

2. I also went on a date with a guy that was super nice but we just didn't click. All I remember from that date is that he told me a story about his recent flight to California. He described how he woke up in a panic because the oxygen masks had come down in mid flight and they had to make an emergency landing. That story terrified me and I think of it every time I fly. Thanks a lot Match.com guy!

3. And then there was Birthday Guy. Birthday Guy was my first ever Match.com date. I remember it like it was yesterday. Birthday Guy was really cute in his picture, and listed all of the interests and hobbies you see in a typical match.com profile. We agreed to meet at a bustling Mexican restaurant for lunch on wintry Sunday afternoon. I arrived at the restaurant first and remember waiting with nervous anticipation. When Birthday Guy showed up I noticed that he looked slightly different from his profile pictures . He was a little shorter and had a little less hair. I warily pressed on. He seemed harmless and we ended up having a great conversation over lunch. He was also very keen on ordering the super sized pitcher of frozen strawberry margaritas, so I couldn't complain.

So, right before the check arrives, Birthday Guy says "So its my birthday." What? My first thought was, why on earth is this guy spending his birthday with someone that he does not know, and that he met on match.com. My idea of a happy birthday does not involve going on a scary blind date with someone who may or may not look like their online profile picture. My second thought was "oh my, I do feel kind of sorry for this guy." I suddenly heard myself say "Oh my god, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I HAVE to take you out for a drink!" I don't know why I said it. I think probably it was the margaritas, and the fact that I have it my head that one has to get wasted on their birthday.

We headed to the bar next door and I ordered myself a glass of wine and watched him throw back about 3 jack and cokes. The guy basically got drunk and started telling me about his family. You may wonder why I didn't just tell him I needed to go home... I don't have a good answer for that question, because for some reason I just sat there with my glass of white wine, listening to him. The whole conversation started to derail as he ordered more drinks.

Then he tells me that he is the grandson of John Muir. John Muir was an author, naturalist, and early advocate of wildlife preservation. Most notably he founded the Sierra Club. He was born in 1838 and died in 1913. Birthday Guy had me hooked at this point. Basically because I knew it probably wasn't true. I mean, my grandmother was BORN in 1913. Anyway, he proceeded to tell me that his mother was the black sheep of the Muir Family, and when she was young, she "ran away" from Northern California (first of all who would do THAT) and treked due East, where she got married and gave birth to Birthday Guy, and basically he would never know the famous grandfather who wrote many books, founded the Sierra Club, and disowned his poor daughter. I sat there in utter disbelief and confusion over his story. It was obviously a blatant lie. Birthday Guy was just falling apart, from the drama of the story and the affects of the super sized margarita pitcher and the half dozen jack and cokes. After hearing the John Muir story, I politely thanked him for the company, wished him a Happy Birthday and made my way home.

So needless to say, I didn't accept his offer to go out again. I was skeptical of guys that go on blind dates on their birthdays, drink too much, and then tell lies about being the grandson of famous naturalists. It truly set the stage for my future match.com dates and serves as a fond memory every time I hear about the Sierra Club.

THE END.

Non-date Date Redux

So I don't often give people second chances, and I am trying harder to give credit where credit is due. And I did both of those things this past weekend.

I think it is worth writing a blurb about my second chance non-date with Philip (see blog post from April 20 "A non date is what is sounds like...") and give him props for what was a wonderful time. I'll spare the details of the second outing with Philip because its can hardly be classifed as a failed date. It was just the opposite!

We were able to joke around about his previous non-date behavior. You may remember he bought me a shot of rail tequila that I didn't want, tried getting into a bar using his credit card, and then left me without saying goodbye. He seemed to genuinely regret his previous actions, and he more than made up for them on our second outing.

So here's to second chances and second non date outings. Happy Monday!

Friday Fun Fact: Manpris and Master P

I once made out with a guy that wore Manpris. Manpris are simply short pants/long shorts for men. I don't see a lot of straight guys wearing them , probably for a good reason. Anyway, so this guy was a tall skinny white dude, wearing manpris, but he told me he had recently been in a Master P video. ???? If he thought the Master P comment would trump the manpris, it worked! Because I kissed him. :-)

Run away, the British are coming!

Since I haven't been on any dates for the past 5 days, I've decided to recount a dating story from the vault. This story is actually about the end of relationship, if you can call it a relationship. The "relationship" was pretty much only 4 or 5 dates strung together and ended in a hilarious coincidence.

I've only been picked up in a bar twice in my post college life - that I can remember. Once by the guy checking ID's at the door of the bar (that story deserves it own blog post) and once by a British chap - The Brit. Playing the part of "I am a Brit, new to the States, talk to me!", The Brit bounced over to my little group of friends as we sat at the bar and promptly started chatting me up. At the time he told me he was at the bar with a group of friends that he played soccer with. But as I think back on the scenario, he was probably just walking around the bar alone trying to pick up women. That's where I come in. At the end of the night he asked for my number and that began our series of incredibly awkward dates.

I kept The Brit around because he was always dressed really nicely, and was constantly complimenting me while speaking in his fantastic accent. He was also a school teacher with a DC public school, which I gave him a lot of credit for. He probably got the crap beat out of him verbally every day. He was, after all, a scrawny little British guy who wore skinny ties and only talked about soccer and the holidays he took with his mum when he was young. Sure, his personality was a little off, but he was BRITISH, I kept telling myself.

One Saturday evening my two roommates and I decided to host a party at our apartment. The Evite went out weeks in advance, and a considerable number of people had RSVPd to attend. I decided to invite The Brit, because we had spent a lot of time together over the past weeks, and he would definitely charm everyone with his accent.

The night of the party, I waited for The Brit to show, but he never did! "This is so odd...", I thought. We had talked at length about the party, he knew where I lived, and he didn't answer his phone earlier. In fact I hadn't heard from all weekend. After a couple of glasses of wine, I decided to confront the situation the only way I knew how...I decided to call him at 1:00 am. Of course I got his voicemail..."Where are you? Don't bother calling me again!" I'm prone to overreacting at 1:00 am after several glasses of wine.

The next day I received a call from The Brit begrudgingly explaining exactly where he had been all weekend. The story goes that he went out on Friday night and picked up a young woman with whom he danced and made out with at the bar. They must have a had a great time together, because at the end of the night this girl invited him to go to a party with her the next night. She explained where the party was and who was hosting it. Slowly, and I'm sure to his horror, he realized the party he had just been invited to was mine. The girl he had hit on and made out with on the dance floor was a friend of my roommates.

Although the story sounded endearing when told in his wonderful accent, I laughed and told him how I guessed he had learned his lesson. I'm actually pretty impressed he called to tell me what had happened, his work in the DC public school system must have made him brave.

This proves that Washington DC is a very, very small place and the dating pool is slim. Or it proves that guys with British accents can pretty much go around picking up anyone they want.

THE END

A non date is what it sounds like...a non date.

A couple of weeks ago, I swore off dating for two reasons. I just couldn't stand the thought of getting rejected anymore by men who aren't that cool to begin with, and two, I don't want to spend my spring and summer obsessing about whether a particular man of interest likes me or not. Which, unfortunately, is something I do. Wouldn't you know it, the following week a seemingly nice, young, funny man asked for my number, and I was right back in the game again.

I met Philip on a low key night in DC while hanging out with a couple of girlfriends. My friend had invited her coworker and his friend Philip out to meet us for a couple of drinks. Philip had boyish good looks, a good job, and was extremely funny, and after a couple hours of great conversation and budding chemistry, I was delighted when he asked me for my number. Although he was several years younger than me, I thought, "why not?". This situation was proving perfect on my newly discovered "non-dating plan", I'd just go out for a couple drinks with Philip and hopefully have a good make out session at the end of the night.

Eventually Philip called me to hang out one Friday night. To be clear, he asked me to join him and his friend at probably the dirtiest, seediest bar in DC for a couple of drinks. This venue was perfect for my non-dating plan. Its clearly not a date if a guy invites you out with his friend to go to a windowless bar that reeks of awfulness and every surface is sticky or wet. I asked my friend to be my wingman, and we set off to see what the night would bring.

My friend and I arrived at the smelly bar to find Philip and his friend, waiting (and drinking quite a lot) just as planned. Philip and I picked up right where we had left off, flirting and laughing, and I thought for sure I had a late night make out session in the bag. I felt like I had reverted back to college again, and I frankly didn't care what anyone thought about that.

Our little group quickly decided to finish our collective drinks and beers and head to an equally loud, yet slightly cleaner bar up the street. Outside the door to the bar was a highly intoxicated guy puking repeatedly all over the sidewalk. I'm telling you, the ambiance couldn't get any better. We made our way in and cozied up to the bar. This is when Philip went to the dark side.

Philip: Would you like a shot of tequila?

Me: Umm, I don't really want tequila, but I'll take shot. (The ordering of shots also fit nicely with my "non date plan"). A SoCo and Lime shot would be okay.

Philip: Okay, SoCo and Lime it is. (Smile, and then...) Hey bartender, 4 shots of tequila. And I need salt!"

Me: Why did you just do that?

Philip: It just came out. Sorry. (Then he smiled and chuckled. Be still my heart, blegh.)

Our little group, including my poor friend, begrudgingly choked down our shot of rail tequila. I looked at Philip with stinging tears in my eyes from the taste of the alcohol as the tequila burned inside my chest. "That was awful", I said.

After 30 minutes or so of more flirting and talking (I wasn't going to let the tequila beat me), Philip suggested we go somewhere else, and settled on going to a nearby bar that featured lots of alcohol, a DJ, and plenty of dancing. When we arrived, Philip handed his credit card instead of his Driver's License, to the bouncer. "You can't come in, you're too drunk", the bouncer said, laughing. Philip, in his embarrassment, turned around and explained the situation to me. I should have taken that as a sign to turn and walk away slowly, but no, I stuck by my man, and urged his friend to sweet talk the bouncer into letting Philip inside.

The details of the next 10 minutes or so are blurry, I'm not sure if it was the tequila or my brain's way of blocking out what was actually happening. In the span of those 10 minutes, Philip fell on the floor pretty hard inside the bar and then got up and ordered what looked like a whiskey and orange juice and chugged the whole thing. Looking at him with disgust, I was at a loss. All I wanted to do was have a good time. I should have left him, stranded, at the bar. But instead I took a different path, in fact, its probably a path well traveled by drunk girls everywhere. I grabbed Philip by the hand and drug him to the dance floor.

I won't go into the details of my dance floor antics, but they involve me dancing wildly and making out with Philip. Not my best collection of moments. At this point I had no idea how the evening would end with Philip, but I was determined to find out. He told me he had to go to the restroom and that he would be right back, grinning from ear to ear. I promptly ran back to my friends and told them how drunk he was. As if that would make up for my behavior as well.

Then nothing happened. Nothing. So anti climatic, I know. Philip disappeared from the bar, never to return from the bathroom and continue to crazily dance with me on that crowded dance floor. A friend of mine who was at the bar, promptly asked me what on earth I was doing with that guy. I answered that I was just trying to have a good time, and I had failed. I walked home swearing off all real AND non- dates. When I returned home, I angrily texted him "What happened to you!?!". The text made me feel better, I wasn't going to dare call him!

The next day, although confused by the previous nights events, I slowly got over it and decided not to think too much about what happened. Philip obviously got way too drunk to act like a normal person in public and his only option left was to split the bar before he puked on me or completely passed out. That's the story I was going with. What a great non-date! That afternoon I got a text message from Philip in response to my previous one sent the night before asking what had happened to him. He explained that he was hit by the "tequila bus", said that he was usually more of a gentleman, apologized, and then told me he had a nice time with me though. I'll probably never see him or hear from him again.

So that's how I found out that a "non date" is just that, a non date, nothing more. At my attempt at reverting into college party mode, I found out that it doesn't work as easily as it did when I was in college. But after all this is DC.


The End.

Where do I begin?

Welcome to my blog!  I'm a twenty something professional living and working in Washington, D.C.  And I'm single.  After recounting a particularly frustrating dating experience to a friend, it hit me...I have to write this stuff down.  The posts that follow are a (hopefully) humorous look at my dating shenanigans throughout my years of living in DC and my attempt at discovering the lighter side of my screwy relationships.