It's only textual...

"It's only textual..." is the second part in Fail Date DC's technology series entitled "Technology is the Future, Except When it's Not".

On Friday after work, I started my weekend off in my favorite nail salon, still recovering from a pretty late Thursday night, and enjoying the fact that I didn't have to go into the office for two whole days. As I was flipping through the obligatory nail salon copy of Cosmopolitan magazine, an article about "reading men's communication signals" caught my eye. On any given newstand, on any given month, you can probably find the same article about how to read your man's communication signals or ... how to figure out what he's saying when he's not saying anything... etc., etc. This article, however, specifically discussed how to interpret your crush's "electronic communication" signals. We all know that if a man doesn't return your calls, or doesn't call when he says he will, then thats probably a pretty good sign that he's not very nice, or just doesn't like you. But NOW, when single people meet someone new they potential have to deal with not just calling someone and leaving a phone message, but figuring out "signals" via text, Facebook, myspace, twitter, Skype, Google chat, AIM and the list goes on! Well, maybe the list doesn't go on, but that's still a lot of social networking opportunities!

Anyway, the people at Cosmo warned me to not strike up a relationship with a man who uses Facebook as his main communication tool. They say that if he's Facebooking you, then he's probably Facebooking who knows how many other women! *Gasp!* On the other hand, Cosmo applauds men who text you between the hours of 12:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m. Their logic is that these men haven't texted you in the early morning because hopefully they have jobs to go to, but they aren't texting at 11:30 p.m. either, when chances are they are very drunk (Cosmos words, not mine). These men are texting in the daylight hours in the hopes of catching you early enough in the day to make plans for dinner or drinks. Wow, all my dating problems are solved. Thanks Cosmo June 2009 issue, where have you been all my life?! But of course, I jest.

I have recently fallen victim to a "relationship" built solely on Facebook, Google chat, and texting. And, yes, I was still surprised when the texts and Facebook messages stopped as suddenly as they had started. I had just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship, and was drowning my sorrows in college football watching and cheap beer, and was very pleased when a particularly fun guy at the sports bar, who happened to be a friend of a friend, asked for my phone number.

The next day this guy initiated the text messaging dance that would last for about two months. That day we must have texted each other about 15 times! In my post breakup haze I was so eager to get attention from any man, regardless if it was communication in the form of 87 texts. By the end of that first day I was his Facebook friend AND he had tagged me in multiple pictures from the night before. As you can imagine, I was so excited to embark on my new relationship! But because I hadn't read Cosmos' warnings about Facebook and texting at this point in my life, I was in for a rude awakening.

I thought that the amount of time this guy spent texting, facebooking, and google chatting meant something. All these years of dating in DC has made me a little jaded, but I still thought the attention was nice and special. During the two months of electronic communication we hung out in person a total of two times. I was asked out on both of those outings over text or facebook. Now, you might say the reason we didn't hang out anymore than that, is that we just didn't click or he just didn't like me. I would totally accept that theory if not for the excessive amount of texting that followed our second outing. And then one day the texting and facebooking and gchatting ceased abruptly. And I was only left to wonder what had just happened.

So thats how I was essentially courted via text message, asked out multiple times on Facebook and gchat, and then electronically snubbed, all in a matter of 2 or 3 months. The times we spent face to face were terrific and fun and I held on to those memories through the flurry of text messages I would receive from him. I look back on it now, and can't believe how dumb I was to not follow common sense. Which to me is, if a guy isn't calling me, or wants to hang out with me in person, then I shouldn't waste my time. But during my post breakup anxiety, and the plethora of communication tools at my disposal, I took the "easy" way out and basically ended up dating the keypad on my cell phone.

In closing, thanks Cosmo, for your words of utter wisdom, but to avoid any future confusion, I'll probably stick to the good old fashioned phone call.

Friday Fun Fact: H.O.N. What gives?

H.O.N. Hair On Neck. Also known in my world as "Brambles". Urban Dictionary defines brambles as "the unsightly hair on the back of one's neck". The only reason its defined in Urban Dictionary is because I made my friend post the definition one night at like 3:00 am. I really do not like HON on guys.

I appreciate a smooth, HON-free neck on a man. I'm not saying that every guy has to have a military style tight haircut, but its just nice when a man makes an effort to get a regular haircut or at least clean up the neckline. A HON-free neck is pleasant to look at and nice to touch and you'd think it would be simple enough to achieve. First of all a guys haircut takes like 10 minutes and a cheap cut is probably around $15. Believe me, every time I visit the salon for a hair cut, there's on average 3 guys in and out of the stylists chair next to me. So I know that this process is not time consuming.

I first realized I had an issue with HON as a I sat behind Mike M. in my senior year pre-calculus class. Mike M. had a "normal", short hair cut on his head, but what looked like a hair rug from the top of his neck down into his t-shirt. I looked at this HON for the entire school year. Of course its really weird that I remember this and have let if affect me to the point that I'm blogging about it, but all I wanted to do was shake him and demand he get a hair cut.

As women, we may spend countless dollars and valuable time (not to mention, endure agonizing pain) removing hair from parts of our bodies that 99.99999% of the population will never even see! Meanwhile you have men flaunting their unsightly HON all over the place.

There is probably no correlation between HON and failed dates, but I just wanted to get the facts out there. I am only one woman, and I know I will never win this battle against HON, but one can dream. Happy Friday!

Oh Snap..It's the weekend recap.

I had a very nice weekend and I learned several, very important lessons.  To begin, I was supposed to hang out with Philip again on Friday, or at least I thought so.   After our very fun, normal, non date last weekend, I had decided I would try to keep Philip around.  He is a fun guy, who shares some similar interest as me, and he just seems like a perfect, no strings attached, summer companion.  So having this in mind, I called Philip one day last week after work, to ask if he would like to go with me to see a bluegrass band play at my neighborhood bar.  Bluegrass and happy hour are two of the interests that Philip and I seem to share.  He unfortunately couldn't make it out that night but we made plans (via text message) to hang out on Friday. Which brings me to Friday night. 

I doubted our "plans" all day on Friday, we hadn't been in touch, and we really hadn't made any concrete plans.  But as I went through the texts in my cell phone, I saw it, in black and white, our virtual conversation about "hanging out on Friday night".  I finally broke down and contacted him and he was "stuck watching basketball with his friend in Maryland".  So, we all know what that means...Philip and I ain't hangin out.  

First Lesson Learned:  Don't believe you actually have plans with Philip until you are physically in his presence.  And NEVER make "plans" with Philip over text message.   You can probably replace the name "Philip" with a handful of other men's names.  Lets just say I've had this happen to me before.

On Saturday I visited DC's neighbor to the north - BALTIMORE.  I really like Baltimore.  I visit there are lot to hang out with my very good friend and I always have a blast.  I've even tried to date a guy who lived in Baltimore.  He was very nice too, but a little quiet...and, well, as you can tell, it didn't work out.  But that's not Baltimore's fault.   Anyway Philip ended up calling me to see what I was up to that night.  Of course I'm in Baltimore, so put a big ole fail stamp on that.  We are like two ships passing in the night...actually, we are like the two inebriated pirate ship captains on the ships, passing in the night.  That's a better analogy.  

I spent that night in Baltimore with my friends, had a great time, good food, good cheer, good drinks.  Eventually I found myself chatting up a friend of my friends, who happened to be a guy.  After downing my second celebratory shot, I decided it would be great idea to tell this guy that I had started my very own dating blog.  An unsettled, panicky look came over him and he said "oh...so what do you write about?"  I blurted out "This!", pointing my finger back and forth from him to me.  I immediately thought better of what I just said, and quickly tried to make myself clear. "No, I mean I write about all the dates I go on, not just all of the conversations I have with guys, like this one ...you know... right?  Hee hee (nervous laughter)."  The conversation quickly fell apart after that, and that's when I realized I had learned my second lesson of the weekend.

Second Lesson Learned:  I must remember to not go around telling men I occasionally write blog entries about my awful dating life.  This applies to both men I want to date, and men I don't want to date.  I fear I may appear desperate, slutty-ish, lonely, or just weird.  Which I assure you I have NEVER felt any of those feelings, ever.  :-)

Sunday morning rolled around and it was time to head back to home sweet home, Washington DC.  I had conveniently rented a Zipcar to get me there and back.  I highly recommended this car sharing service.  Go green!  Anyway, early Sunday morning I learned the third lesson of the weekend, and thankfully it has nothing to do with dating or this blog.  The following lesson will mean nothing to non Zipcar users, but I assure you its important.

Third Lesson Learned:  When using the Zipcar always enter and exit the vehicle using your Zipcar passcard.  Don't try to be all cool and unlock the car using the actual key.  I found out the hard way that the car will not turn on if you continue to enter the car by using only the key.  I happened to keep using the key on this particular trip, and had to call Zipcar and have them help me "reboot" the car's reservation system so that I could actually turn on the car and drive off on my merry way.  Am I the only one who didn't know this?

So that's my "Oh Snap...It's the weekend recap".  Happy Monday!

Friday Fun Fact: Sometimes I feel like the female version of Ron Burgundy

"You know, we've been coming to this same party for the last 12 years -- and in no way is that depressing." - Ron Burgundy, legendary anchorman.

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May 2009 marks the 8th anniversary of my living, dating and loving in Washington, DC. That means 12 years ago I left a small rural town and wandered off to the incredible party that was college. That's a lot of years of navigating this dating scene. I've had a lot of practice and I just know I'm going to get it right one of these days!

Enjoy the party ladies (and gentlemen)! And Happy Friday!!!

Match this! ... Online Dating

"Match this!...Online Dating" is the first part in Fail Date DC's technology series entitled "Technology is the Future, Except When it's Not".

Oh yes! Online dating. You knew it would come to this! Online dating is amazing. Just think about it, you can potentially meet the man of your dreams using the Internet! You don't even have to get all dressed up and look cute and go out, you can sit in your pajamas and write witty emails to guys that have great profile pictures. And the actual online profiles are all the same. All of these eligible men enjoy reading non fiction, are learning to make sushi, love Ethiopian food, spend the weekends hiking or biking, enjoy staying in on Friday nights with a rented movie, and are all looking for that adventurous, athletic woman with whom they can travel the world. How great!!! But lets face it. You know that they are at home right now, sitting in the dark, on the couch, with their laptops, in their boxers, unshaven, hungover, eating McDonald's, and watching the Game Show network.

Seriously though, I love the concept of online dating. I have even met and dated an amazing, beautiful, normal person using Match.com. But before I met him, I had to go on some interesting dates:

1. There was the guy that liked to shoot guns and was a member of the NRA. I was half scared for obvious reasons and half intrigued, because I've always wanted to shoot a gun and I thought that maybe on our second date he would take me to the gun range. The only other thing I remember about that date was how rude the waitress was. FAIL.

2. I also went on a date with a guy that was super nice but we just didn't click. All I remember from that date is that he told me a story about his recent flight to California. He described how he woke up in a panic because the oxygen masks had come down in mid flight and they had to make an emergency landing. That story terrified me and I think of it every time I fly. Thanks a lot Match.com guy!

3. And then there was Birthday Guy. Birthday Guy was my first ever Match.com date. I remember it like it was yesterday. Birthday Guy was really cute in his picture, and listed all of the interests and hobbies you see in a typical match.com profile. We agreed to meet at a bustling Mexican restaurant for lunch on wintry Sunday afternoon. I arrived at the restaurant first and remember waiting with nervous anticipation. When Birthday Guy showed up I noticed that he looked slightly different from his profile pictures . He was a little shorter and had a little less hair. I warily pressed on. He seemed harmless and we ended up having a great conversation over lunch. He was also very keen on ordering the super sized pitcher of frozen strawberry margaritas, so I couldn't complain.

So, right before the check arrives, Birthday Guy says "So its my birthday." What? My first thought was, why on earth is this guy spending his birthday with someone that he does not know, and that he met on match.com. My idea of a happy birthday does not involve going on a scary blind date with someone who may or may not look like their online profile picture. My second thought was "oh my, I do feel kind of sorry for this guy." I suddenly heard myself say "Oh my god, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I HAVE to take you out for a drink!" I don't know why I said it. I think probably it was the margaritas, and the fact that I have it my head that one has to get wasted on their birthday.

We headed to the bar next door and I ordered myself a glass of wine and watched him throw back about 3 jack and cokes. The guy basically got drunk and started telling me about his family. You may wonder why I didn't just tell him I needed to go home... I don't have a good answer for that question, because for some reason I just sat there with my glass of white wine, listening to him. The whole conversation started to derail as he ordered more drinks.

Then he tells me that he is the grandson of John Muir. John Muir was an author, naturalist, and early advocate of wildlife preservation. Most notably he founded the Sierra Club. He was born in 1838 and died in 1913. Birthday Guy had me hooked at this point. Basically because I knew it probably wasn't true. I mean, my grandmother was BORN in 1913. Anyway, he proceeded to tell me that his mother was the black sheep of the Muir Family, and when she was young, she "ran away" from Northern California (first of all who would do THAT) and treked due East, where she got married and gave birth to Birthday Guy, and basically he would never know the famous grandfather who wrote many books, founded the Sierra Club, and disowned his poor daughter. I sat there in utter disbelief and confusion over his story. It was obviously a blatant lie. Birthday Guy was just falling apart, from the drama of the story and the affects of the super sized margarita pitcher and the half dozen jack and cokes. After hearing the John Muir story, I politely thanked him for the company, wished him a Happy Birthday and made my way home.

So needless to say, I didn't accept his offer to go out again. I was skeptical of guys that go on blind dates on their birthdays, drink too much, and then tell lies about being the grandson of famous naturalists. It truly set the stage for my future match.com dates and serves as a fond memory every time I hear about the Sierra Club.

THE END.

Non-date Date Redux

So I don't often give people second chances, and I am trying harder to give credit where credit is due. And I did both of those things this past weekend.

I think it is worth writing a blurb about my second chance non-date with Philip (see blog post from April 20 "A non date is what is sounds like...") and give him props for what was a wonderful time. I'll spare the details of the second outing with Philip because its can hardly be classifed as a failed date. It was just the opposite!

We were able to joke around about his previous non-date behavior. You may remember he bought me a shot of rail tequila that I didn't want, tried getting into a bar using his credit card, and then left me without saying goodbye. He seemed to genuinely regret his previous actions, and he more than made up for them on our second outing.

So here's to second chances and second non date outings. Happy Monday!

Friday Fun Fact: Manpris and Master P

I once made out with a guy that wore Manpris. Manpris are simply short pants/long shorts for men. I don't see a lot of straight guys wearing them , probably for a good reason. Anyway, so this guy was a tall skinny white dude, wearing manpris, but he told me he had recently been in a Master P video. ???? If he thought the Master P comment would trump the manpris, it worked! Because I kissed him. :-)