Not only do I go on Fail Dates, I'm also not married.

Wow! Its been almost a month since my last blog. What have I been doing?!?! Certainly not going on any successful dates. Fail Date DC is back! Aside from being extremely busy at my day job, one of the reasons I haven't updated this blog is because I went out on a date with a guy that I thought had some promise - at least the promise of another two dates or so. But, alas, I have simply given up on him.

I met him in a pretty unconventional way. I was out with friends on a Saturday afternoon, getting a head start on some summertime day drinking. What better way to spend a beautiful afternoon than inside a sports bar? As I sat down at the table, our waiter approached. He was hard not to notice, tall and handsome, huge smile, true perfection. "Oh my, " I said to my friend. "Now, that's a tall drink of water." Who says that? But it was true. I was in lust.

By the time the bill came, all of my other friends were aware that I thought our waiter, Sam, was cute. "Ha, I should totally leave my number on the receipt!" The second it came out of my mouth, I regretted it, because of course everyone thought that was a fantastic idea. I couldn't possibly do that!!! But then our waiter came back to the table, my friends and I started talking to him...I tried to lay on as much charm as I could muster, and then he gave me the sexiest smile ever. "Okay! I'm doing it!" I proclaimed as our waiter walked away again. I then proceeded to write a silly (almost creepy) note on the receipt about how I wanted to find out more about him and I left my cell number. The best part was when I noticed Sam was coming back, I threw the check on the table, and pushed my friends out of the way, stepped on someone's foot, almost tripped over a chair and ran out of the restaurant. I know how to leave a great impression.

The next morning, I received a text. It was from Sam! I couldn't believe it! Leaving your cell phone number on a receipt for a hot waiter to call you actually works! I had proven it! After about 20 texts back and forth later, he proposed we go to the movies that night. The first sign of the Fail should have been the incessant texting. After the movie we decided to get something to eat. We made small talk, and the subject of age was brought up. We discovered there was about a 5 year age difference between us. I'm 29 and, he, considerably younger. The age discussion was immediately followed by:

Sam: Doesn't it bother you that you aren't married?

Me: (30 seconds of silent shock, nervous laughter, and a quizzical look) No, of course not! What?! Me?! .... Um, does it bother you that you aren't married? (Trying to take the attention off of my singledom.)

Sam: No, I can probably get married anytime I want. I'm just waiting to get settled in my career.

Hmmm. Now I'm obviously writing this blog because I don't have a boyfriend or even an immediate glimmer or promise of a long term relationship. This frustrates me. BUT, I haven't yet started to panic about the possibility of never marrying (which is something I'm personally interested in accomplishing). Still, Sam's question was awkward and weird! Also, as I stared back at his dreamy face, I came to the conclusion that he probably COULD get married at anytime. That subject warrants another blog post entirely.

His weird, pushy questions continued throughout dinner, and at the time I was completely willing to overlook them, due purely to his hotness. We said a very "G Rated" goodbye, and went our separate ways. I left with the promise of a second date, which I was looking forward to, not so much for the oh so riveting conversation, but I really just wanted to kiss him.

So, due to my hectic work schedule and his inability and interest to make real plans (he usually texts me wanting to get together that night, and I'm a avid planner, so that just wasn't going to fly), I've given up on my dreams of a second date kiss with Sam. Plus, yesterday, after our 100th text, it finally occured to me that I wanted no part of his texting and weird "why aren't you married?" questions.

The End!

Ladies Night ... literally.

So last Friday was ladies night. And I believe my exact quote from my posting on Friday was "Maybe if I go out with only ladies, I will attract men. Seems obvious right? Its a theory I'm willing to test. " Well... exactly the opposite happened.

My girlfriends and I got all dressed up and cute for a night on the town. Now, I didn't really try to talk to any guys so that might be first reason I didn't attract men that night (and may also be a good indication of why I'm single). But at one point during the night, I was sitting at the bar by myself and enjoying some people watching, while my friends were all on the dance floor.

I had been sitting by myself for a couple of minutes when two young women appeared beside me. They immediately introduced themselves and asked me what my name was. Then one of them said "Tonight's my roommate's last night in DC." "Oh really?" I said. I asked what city she was moving to, all the while wondering what these girls wanted with me. Then, both of them looked at me intently and one of the girls moved closer and said "But anyway, tonight's my roommate's last night in DC." Okay, I thought, I get it, she's moving away. Then she quickly added "And your friend is really cute, too." I turned to look at who she was pointing at, and there was my friend, Jen, dancing and laughing on the dance floor.

Apparently now very confused and clueless, I pointed to Jen and responded, "Oh yes, you mean Jen? Yes, she is very pretty!"  Jen saw all three of us pointing and looking at her and she smiled back at us.  I turned back to the two girls and we just stared at each other in awkward silence.  "Okay, well, talk to you later."  One of them said as they bounced back over to the larger group that they were with.

At that point, one of my other friends came over to me and I mentioned that two girls may have wanted to go home with me and Jen that night, and how that was a first for me!  The thought came and went out of my mind, until the next morning.  I thought, 1.  I'm definitely going to use the line "Tonight is my last night in DC." next time I approach strangers at bars., and  2.  Wow, "ladies night" really just meant ladies night that night.   I had to smile. 

This weekend I have a bachelorette party to attend, the ultimate ladies night, who knows who I'll attract that night!

Friday Fun Fact: Ladies Night. What a great idea!

Tonight is ladies night. Friday night! Ladies night! Recently one of my smart friends thought it would be fun for "just the girls" to get all dressed up, have a few drinks, and go dancing. No boyfriends, or friends that are boys, allowed. I'm very excited to say the least! Ladies night is something I haven't' done in a really long time. Maybe if I go out with only ladies, I will attract men. Seems obvious right? Its a theory I'm willing to test.

And I would be remiss if I didn't mention...yesterday evening I realized that this blog was mentioned in that day's edition of the Express daily newspaper. Silly me was too busy all day trying to find a date in this town and I was too late in picking up my very own copy. Thankfully the Express printed nothing about my failed dates, but about something else I observed in Wednesday's blog musings. Phew!...I guess. Anyway, my quote was nestled in the Blog Log next to one of the Wonkette's recent observations and right below a picture of Jerry Seinfeld. How do you like them apples?


Happy Friday!

Nice to meet you. What do you do?

What do you do? I feel like that's the first question anyone asks here in DC? "Hi, I'm blondie. What do you do?" I think DC is probably the only place in the world where people start out conversations with that question. I think Washington DC is a town where people often define themselves and their social circle by their jobs; I'm an intern., I work on the Hill., I'm a lawyer., I'm a bike messenger., I'm a waitress. I think that secretly us DCites are just anxiously waiting to tell the other person what WE do for a living and why we are so important. Who knows, maybe I'm the only one who thinks this. But a couple of years ago, I stopped asking "What do you do?" and started asking other questions that I thought would tell me a little bit about the person, but wouldn't instantly put them in their assigned DC job/social circle category. I think the tactic usually works pretty well and is rather friendly, but once it back fired on me big time...

Flashback: I had just started my new job. I had also just ended yet another relationship (Fail), and was licking my wounds with some heavy drinking, while simultaneously trying to make new friends at work. When the Friday Work Happy Hour email popped into my inbox, I was all over it. I would report to the nearest bar at promptly 5:00 pm on Friday and act fabulous in front of my new coworkers.

One drink turned in to one too many drinks. I just want to say that having one too many drinks in front of coworkers is never a good idea. But I'm sure everyone reading this already knows that. Anyway, one of the reasons for the happy hour was to celebrate the fact that one of the organization's old employees, Dan, was back in town. Dan had left the organization to pursue a degree, and I thought he was just back in town to visit and catch up with some old friends. Well...when Dan walked into the bar, it was like the world had stopped in my tipsy little head. He was gorgeous. Dark and handsome, just amazing looking. I yelled to my coworker next to me, "OH MY GOD, WHO IS THAT?". My coworker turned to me and in a more appropriate whisper said, "That's Dan. He's cute, right?" Then I proceeded to blab, pretty loudly, about all the ways I thought that he was cute, and marriage material, and a hidden gem, and gift from god, oh, let me count they ways!!! Bottom line is that I made a fool out of myself, everyone at the bar knew I thought Dan has hot by the end of the night, and I had fallen all over myself talking to him.

Unbeknownst to me, Dan had come back to DC to continue working at my organization after completing his studies. Not one of my new coworker friends had decided to tell me that, because they all knew this as fact, and I guess just thought that I knew and was acting rather inappropriately.

The following Monday morning I was sitting at my lowly cubicle, and I hear, "Hey blondie." Turning around, I saw him. Dan. Dan in suit, dressed for work at the office. I squeaked out a quiet "hi" and must have looked so confused as he walked away. That's when I found out that Dan had come back to work for the organization and I would see him Monday through Friday for the rest of my life.

I was so embarrassed. I had made the fatal error of not asking him "What do you do?". Which was just plain dumb, because I didn't even think to ask him about his career plans at all during the Friday Work Happy Hour mess. I was just concentrating on his face. I have since overcome my embarrassment and Dan and I are good work acquaintances. But although it might not be my opening line, I always ask "What do you do?" before professing love to complete strangers.

Hot Nights and City Lights: My favorite fair weather DC dates

Memorial Day weekend has come and gone and suddenly I've been sucked into the humid haze of a Washington DC summer.  Although in about a month it will probably be in the high 90s with 100% humidity, I still love summer in this city.  Sure there are tourists and interns clogging up the metro and sidewalks, but they are all here to visit us!  Well, maybe not us, but our beautiful, muggy city, built on a swamp, rich with history, and ripe with politicians and wannabes.  But I digress...I really love summer in the city. 

So...on the off chance I DO go out on a date this summer, I've decided to compile my favorite summer dates/outings, so that when the time comes, I'll be armed with fun suggestions.  Here are my top 5, with commentary, in no particular order.

1.  Airplane Watching at Gravelly Point (Arlington, VA):  Now anyone who knows me knows that I have an irrational fear of flying, but something about watching planes successfully land and take off is very exhilarating to me.  Gravelly Point Park is located along the Potomac River just off the George Washington Parkway.  Its also the closest you can get to a runway without actually working at the airport or being on the plane.  If the wind is blowing from the south you will be just a mere 300 feet below the jets that are taking off from Reagan National Airport.  In three words, it. is. awesome.  In my opinion, its also a great first date.  Its not your typical "going to the movies" first date where there's not really a chance to chat with your date.  Rather, at Gravelly Point, you'll have time to chat, while also have the distraction of airplanes taking off over your head every 5 minutes or so.  Fail Date Potential:  A lot of people, especially families, frequent this park.  If you're looking to be alone with your date, this is not the place.

2.  A Visit to Great Falls Park (Great Falls Virginia): Also located off the George Washington Parkway, this park boast spectacular views of the Great Falls waterfalls.  There are also places to picnic, and hiking trails for all skill levels.  Fail Date Potential:  Weekends in the summer means a big long line of cars waiting to get into the park.  Keep your patience level elevated and the car's air conditioning on max and you should be okay.  

3.  Miniature Golf (Top Golf, Alexandria, Virginia): I like to go on dates that involve a little friendly competition, like bowling or a game of pool.  Well during the summer you can bring your competitive side outside, with a friendly game of miniature golf.  I prefer going to Top Golf in Alexandria, VA.  Now for the transportationally challenged, getting there may be tough.  But there's always Zipcar, and there's the chance your date might be a baller and have his very own car (swoooon!).  Anyway its totally worth it when you get there!  Nice, clean facility, with romantical evening and nighttime hours, and a bar in the club house where the loser can buy a round. Fail Date Potential:  I really can't think of one.  Unless maybe if your date is an ass or a sore loser, or if you really just don't like mini golf.

4.  Paddle Boating (Tidal Basin, Washington, D.C.): Make like a tourist and rent a paddle boat for an hour!  Its only $8 for the hour and when you get back on dry land you'll have worked up an appetite and you'll be ready for a cocktail.  Fail Date Potential:  You'll have to wear a life vest which isn't very trendy, but not all that bad because it may end up saving your life.  You also may capsize, but I haven't heard of that happening a lot.  I think this is a safe bet.  

5.  Nationals Baseball Game (Nationals Park, Washington, D.C.):  Wow, the Nationals suck this year, but I sure do love going to baseball games.  The baseball stadium is really the only place that I can think of where I'll buy a plastic bottle of Coors Lite for $7.50.  But I still think baseball games are really fun dates.    On a side note, I'm actually going to the Washington Nationals Ladies Night Happy Hour at the stadium tomorrow.  Its a happy hour for laaaaadddiieees, prior to the game, with food and drink, complimentary massages and manicures, other girly things, and player appearances.  I'm not going to lie, when I heard about the player appearances, I thought, this is my chance to land me a baseball player! What a blog posting that would be!  Fail Date Potential: Hmmmm, is there one?  I guess the only reason both you and your date would end up at a baseball game is if you enjoyed watching baseball and drinking $7.50 Coors Lites.  So it might just be a match made in heaven.  

Drinking and Dating

Sometimes drinking and dating go hand in hand.   Why not have a glass of wine on a first date to ease the butterflies in your stomach?  Heck, why not order a round of tequila shots like my friend Philip.  Wait, on second thought don't do that.  While drinking heavily with your future soul mate or one night stand is never really a good thing, it happens very frequently.  During the ugly cycle of drinking and dating its inevitable that crude things are said, or someone either vomits, falls down, or gets really really angry.

Lately I haven't had a lot to write about regarding my failed dating life, but as I woke up this morning to quite a headache, and some hazy memories of last night,  I remembered how the night ended.  I debated with myself as to whether what happened was actually a dream or not, but no, what had happened was not a dream, rather one of the most futile pick up attempts I've ever experienced.

Jim and I often find ourselves hanging out together.  We have the same circle of friends and he's always a nice, familiar face.  So it was not surprising that Jim and I were at the same party last night.  Jim's always been rather quiet around me, but last night we had some pleasant conversation and laughs.  Then I guess Jim started drinking heavily, can't say exactly what he was drinking, but there were a couple games of flip cup thrown in there.  So eventually Jim became highly intoxicated.  I decided to call it a night and find a cab, when someone nominated Jim to walk me out to make sure I didn't get mugged, stolen, or run over while I was trying to chase down a cab.  How nice!  

We were barely out the door when Jim says to me very quietly, "You and me.  We should have intercourse."  Hmmm...  I thought to myself I must be hearing things.  We walked in the longest silence ever in history while I replayed over and over what I thought he said.  "Did you just say that we should have intercourse?" I questioned in disbelief.  "Yes.  Yes I did," he said matter-of-factly.

Now at this moment I didn't know what to do.  I felt pretty cheap, disgusted, angry, and exhausted.  "Jim, you're a creep, who do you think I am, please go back inside."  He had sat down on the curb and refused to budge.  "I'm serious Jim, that's disgusting,"  I yelled as  I frantically waved down cabs.  I'm sure I almost got hit by a couple of cars, so he wasn't chaperoning me very well...at all.   "Listen, can we at least talk about this?" he asked.  

I finally hopped into a cab and didn't look back.  I'm sure he was still on the curb, pondering why the heck he had chosen to say those things to me, especially the use of  the word "intercourse".  What is he, Amish?

So, with that, Fail Date DC is back!  And although it certainly wasn't a date, it was definitely a fail.  

It's only textual...

"It's only textual..." is the second part in Fail Date DC's technology series entitled "Technology is the Future, Except When it's Not".

On Friday after work, I started my weekend off in my favorite nail salon, still recovering from a pretty late Thursday night, and enjoying the fact that I didn't have to go into the office for two whole days. As I was flipping through the obligatory nail salon copy of Cosmopolitan magazine, an article about "reading men's communication signals" caught my eye. On any given newstand, on any given month, you can probably find the same article about how to read your man's communication signals or ... how to figure out what he's saying when he's not saying anything... etc., etc. This article, however, specifically discussed how to interpret your crush's "electronic communication" signals. We all know that if a man doesn't return your calls, or doesn't call when he says he will, then thats probably a pretty good sign that he's not very nice, or just doesn't like you. But NOW, when single people meet someone new they potential have to deal with not just calling someone and leaving a phone message, but figuring out "signals" via text, Facebook, myspace, twitter, Skype, Google chat, AIM and the list goes on! Well, maybe the list doesn't go on, but that's still a lot of social networking opportunities!

Anyway, the people at Cosmo warned me to not strike up a relationship with a man who uses Facebook as his main communication tool. They say that if he's Facebooking you, then he's probably Facebooking who knows how many other women! *Gasp!* On the other hand, Cosmo applauds men who text you between the hours of 12:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m. Their logic is that these men haven't texted you in the early morning because hopefully they have jobs to go to, but they aren't texting at 11:30 p.m. either, when chances are they are very drunk (Cosmos words, not mine). These men are texting in the daylight hours in the hopes of catching you early enough in the day to make plans for dinner or drinks. Wow, all my dating problems are solved. Thanks Cosmo June 2009 issue, where have you been all my life?! But of course, I jest.

I have recently fallen victim to a "relationship" built solely on Facebook, Google chat, and texting. And, yes, I was still surprised when the texts and Facebook messages stopped as suddenly as they had started. I had just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship, and was drowning my sorrows in college football watching and cheap beer, and was very pleased when a particularly fun guy at the sports bar, who happened to be a friend of a friend, asked for my phone number.

The next day this guy initiated the text messaging dance that would last for about two months. That day we must have texted each other about 15 times! In my post breakup haze I was so eager to get attention from any man, regardless if it was communication in the form of 87 texts. By the end of that first day I was his Facebook friend AND he had tagged me in multiple pictures from the night before. As you can imagine, I was so excited to embark on my new relationship! But because I hadn't read Cosmos' warnings about Facebook and texting at this point in my life, I was in for a rude awakening.

I thought that the amount of time this guy spent texting, facebooking, and google chatting meant something. All these years of dating in DC has made me a little jaded, but I still thought the attention was nice and special. During the two months of electronic communication we hung out in person a total of two times. I was asked out on both of those outings over text or facebook. Now, you might say the reason we didn't hang out anymore than that, is that we just didn't click or he just didn't like me. I would totally accept that theory if not for the excessive amount of texting that followed our second outing. And then one day the texting and facebooking and gchatting ceased abruptly. And I was only left to wonder what had just happened.

So thats how I was essentially courted via text message, asked out multiple times on Facebook and gchat, and then electronically snubbed, all in a matter of 2 or 3 months. The times we spent face to face were terrific and fun and I held on to those memories through the flurry of text messages I would receive from him. I look back on it now, and can't believe how dumb I was to not follow common sense. Which to me is, if a guy isn't calling me, or wants to hang out with me in person, then I shouldn't waste my time. But during my post breakup anxiety, and the plethora of communication tools at my disposal, I took the "easy" way out and basically ended up dating the keypad on my cell phone.

In closing, thanks Cosmo, for your words of utter wisdom, but to avoid any future confusion, I'll probably stick to the good old fashioned phone call.